Fishing in Texas

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and other stories from the USA

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Texas coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4x4 Pope mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Texas University football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Texas Aggie football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Longhorn from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Aggies and the Longhorns but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow".

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he don't know nothing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"

Inner Peace

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreos, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolates. I feel better already.

Pass this along to everyone you know who needs Inner Peace.

Good Ideas

I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.

The three little words are "Hold On, Please."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.

Other good ideas

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment -- let the companies throw them away. When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to Citibank.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their own application back! If you want to remain anonymous, make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send the postage paid envelope back empty if you want to, just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best part of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!