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|The most valuable function
performed by the government is entertainment.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
A penny saved is worthless.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Nobody is normal.
At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in thisway to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dipshit.
And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at he product-as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign-it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good.
If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.