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The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The
husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
- Unknown

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . .
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out!!
- Unknown

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, Sir .. mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires.......but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

When built Noah the ark?
Before the flood!
- Unknown

Such is Life - it get's sucher and sucher!
- Frank Zappa

Life is what happens, while you are eagerly planning other things...
- John Lennon